New Year, New Me? Nope Still The Same!

 Happy New Year everyone!

Here we are back at 1-1------------2025! What a wild ride 2024 was, and I'm glad to be done with it. Honestly, it was a hell of a year and I'm ready for the refresh of things. I do always fall into that trap that the New Year is a reset, it simply feels right. Even though I celebrate my New Years in October, this was feels more like a full reset.

But is this a path to a new me?

Nope!

That is one trap I don't fall into because I really don't want a new me. I like who I am now. If anything I simply want to get myself back or rather grow into the person I was always suppose to be. Truly that is what I have been doing this last year, and in fact the last 15 years. See I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary on December 21, and it was an eye opener. 

First, I couldn't believe it had already been FIFTEEN YEARS!

Seriously, I blinked and here I am. Married, which I never thought I would be, and for so long! Growing up the longest relationship I ever saw was maybe 10ish years or less. On average my birth-giver's relationships lasted 2-5, and they were rocky at best. To even see a relationship this long is insane for me, even more so that it's mine.

But it also made me look back at the person I was back before I met my husband, and that person was EXTREMELY different than who I am now. In looking back I have come to realize that it wasn't that I grew out of being that person. It's not like I evolved like people do. I simply wasn't who I always wanted to be. I was pretending to be this person who wasn't me, because people had put the fear of god into me when it came to being my true self. 

Over the years I have grown out of that fear and I have my husband to thank for it. He was the first person I ever let my true self show to, and now I'm a Wicca, gothic, sparkly, silly, princess. Yes, all that is a contradiction, but that's me. I make no sense at all!

So what does that have to do with weight loss? I mean this is a blog about my weight loss journey.

It has everything to do with it. While I could be myself around my husband I was very reserved in the world. Online, not so much, but very much out in the world I was. I hid a lot of myself. I held back because I lacked confidence, and my weight was a big part of it. When I started taking Zepbound and started watching the weight come off my confidence grew and I really started caring less how people saw me. I was able to open up outside of my house and the internet. I started growing more into this great, funny, person. 

Okay, I've always been funny because I have always spoke my mind, but more so now. 

Has it been a picnic, HELL NO!!!

It has been awful, a struggle, a violent fight for everything I have ever wanted. I expect my less from life. Even as I write this I am having a rough time of things.

(I'm currently winging off my birth control, which has my hormones and cortisol all over the damn place. It is a wild ride.)

What it's worth it to keep who I am. I really like this version of me and know I'm only going to open up more as I loss the weight that has been holding me back. I look forward to the struggle because the outcome is worth it. 

So a New Year, New Me? 

Hello no.

This year I'm going to focus on keeping myself and not let the world influence me. I wanted to shine bright in this crazy world, and not lose myself like everyone else seems to with the rising tides. I think that is the perfect resolution. 

Losing My Tastes

 Yeah, I know it's been awhile since I posted. The Holidays have me busy, busy, busy! First up, I have not lost any weight. None. I'm stuck at 254 lbs. Which isn't bad, but annoying. It's not like I'm gaining weight so there is that. Thing is I have a lot going on.

I mean there are the Holidays, which are stressful on their own. I'm on a new mood medication which increases my appetite a little, AND I just went off my Provera. Which I'm super happy about because it was causing all kinds of problems. Because of that I'm looking for my weight loss to pick up again after the New Year. If it doesn't, well I guess I will have to make some changes. No big deal.

Now onto the blog topic. 

I have noticed that my tastes have really changed since taking Zepbound. Maybe it's because I don't crave junk-food so I'm better aware of what I like and don't like. I'm not stuffing my face as rapidly as I can. For example, soda. I really don't have the taste for soda like I used to. I would drink a 2 litter to myself a day if I could. The only thing that would stop me is the shame and guilt of actually doing it. I will have one from time to time if I need a pick me up, but really I run to coffee now. In my coffee I only use a little flavor creamer. I don't like a ton of sugar or sweet stuff. I like mine a bit bitter. 

Another thing I have fallen out of love with, chips. Okay, I have been all about Red Hots lately, but even then it takes me two weeks to get through a bag. Sometimes even over a month. I don't eat them all the often. Also, hot fries. I used to devour hot fries, now I'm like Meh.

Chocolate is another big one. At one point I could go through a pound of chocolate in three days time. It was nothing for me to eat only chocolate all freaking day. Now I'm like, whatever. Chocolate actually goes bad in my house. I have had to throw away so much of it over the last few months, it's insane. Sweets in general don't get eaten anymore in the house. Mainly because I'm full all the time. I have been snacking a little through, however; I find myself moving more towards nuts and not so much junk-food snacks.

Then there is fast-food. Not a fan!

Honestly, it's been so long since I had fast-food my stomach doesn't do well on it. I eat fast-food and I feel sick now. Because of that I tend to stay away from it. Now if I'm having a really off day I will start craving something greasy and fast, but those times are rare. 

Other things I used to gobble down and don't anymore, corn-nuts, mini candy bars, cake, pie, slim jims, sunflower seeds, candy in general, and fried foods. None of which have really peak my fancy.

What I have been craving:

Artichokes, Mexican (because who doesn't), veggies and dip, stir fry, grilled chicken, and fresh fruit. Some of this stuff is hard to get my hands on right now because we are starting winter, but when summer comes I'm all over it. 

I don't feel as though not liking those foods anymore is a loss. Instead I see it more as my true tastes coming out without all that food noise from before. All that crap I used to eat was a product of my shitty upbringing, and years of abuse simple trying to survive. Now, I'm becoming who I was meant to be, and I have been feeling like that for awhile. Which is a wonderful feeling!

Let's Talk Food!

 First let's start out by doing a little dance.

I lost 2 more lbs. this week after not losing anything for about 3ish weeks. So yay! That means I'm done to 254.6 lbs! Only 73 away from my goal weight of 180. I might actually change that goal because I didn't see that as attenable when I started, but now I feel like I could get down to about 160 and be really happy with myself. We will see.

Now on to the good stuff.

Thanksgiving is a few days away and what a good time to talk about FOOD!!! I know a lot of us will be stuffing our faces come Thursday. Me, I generally take my shot Thursday morning and by the afternoon I don't really feel like eating. My hunger is gone. So I'm actually going to be taking my shot Thursday night for a change. I want to be able to enjoy my food after I spent all day cooking it. But enough about that.

My relationship has changed a lot throughout the years. Growing up we never had much, and my birth-giver never kept food in the house when my brother and sister were not around, which was basically all summer. I would go hungry a lot! I got into this system of maybe eating a meal once a day, and it was never a really good one. 

As I grew up, got a job, married, and could provide my own food I went off the rails. I would drink every soda I could get my hands on. I could go through a 2 liter a day! Ice cream, cakes, candy, things I never got to eat as a kid I devoured, and like it should my weight went up.

Now among all this bingeing I did try to eat healthy. I would go through periods of eating low carb, vegetables, and other good for you things. At one point I was inspired by the women around me and I went no sugar. I switched everything to Stevia, I even drank Zevia which I will tell you is not good. It has an awful after taste, but when you work with a bunch of models you will try anything. 

Whatever I did try my relationship with food has always been a bad one. I overeat all the damn time, I eat my emotions which with someone with generalized anxiety that is not good. When I found out I had PCOS I was done. I gave the hell up hardcore. I started eating fast food three times a day, drinking gallons of soda, and I just didn't care anymore. I figured this was me. I have a bad, toxic relationship with food and it's always going to be that way. 

I blamed my mom for most of it, but a lot of it was me too just giving up. I surrendered to the fact that nothing was ever going to change. Zepbound or no Zepbound.

I was wrong!

When I first started taking Zepbound my hunger really went away and I ate less, but I was still eating fast food daily, and drinking a lot of soda and sugary drinks along with all the water I was drinking. My relationship with food was still a bad one. I knew what I needed to eat but I just didn't care. 

Then the food noise went away. The nag in the bad of your head telling you to eat this junk food or that awful thing. I need to devour these foods went away and suddenly my rational mind was able to make good choices. On top of that I was forced to learn to eat smaller meals because I couldn't eat that much at once. My bingeing days were over. After a few months of stumbling with these changes I'm in a set habit and now it's a natural thing for me to eat small meals throughout the day, healthier meals with higher protein to keep myself from being hungry or feel sick later. It was like a natural shift in my relationship with food, and I started to realize I didn't need to punish myself with food, and things were not hopeless.

Now do I still have a soda from time to time?

Yeah, but I can only drink about 16 oz before feeling sick. So I generally stay away.

Do I still crave chocolate when I am stressed or around that time of the month?

Hell yeah. But I don't devour pounds of junk. I have one or two small pieces and I'm good.

This has also helped me to learn new ways to deal with my anxiety and stress eating. Without that nag of the voice pushing me to eat my feelings, I can come up with other ways to distract myself. This is what this drug does. It just doesn't take the hunger away, it makes it so you can actually think for yourself instead of being a slave to food or your cravings. 

So people that say that Zepbound just takes the hungry away and doesn't make any REAL changes in your life are full of shit! It does, if taken the way it's suppose to be taken. This is not a short term drug you shoot-up and drop some weight. It's a long term treatment to help with weight, behavior, and your relationship with food. Remember that before starting this journey. 

Past, Future, but No Weight Loss

 Let's get this thing started. I was going through pictures on my phone and thought it would be fun to do a comparison from last year. So here it is, this is me September of 2023.

I was simply surviving. I had given up on ever losing weight and excepted the fact I was going to look like that the rest of my life. A walrus with thinning fair and stomach problems and all kinds of other problems. I was getting by. Then my friends at work kept talking about this shot they took to help lose weight. At first I was like, "no, I can't do that."

From there I realized taking a shot every week wasn't so bad, but then I had the thought, "Well, it won't work for me." Finally, after a lot of talking and hearing all these stories from there I came around and figured I would give a try. It has been a little over six months and this is me now.

I NEVER thought I would be here.

Honestly, while I still have long way to go to my goal weight and my journey is really just starting. I couldn't comprehend looking the way I do now.

Not only have I lost 50 pounds but my hair is filling in, my PCOS has decreased which I love. My stomach problems are gone. I don't get heartburn like I used to from overeating, because I simply don't overeat anymore. 

Overall, I'm happy with my progress.

Now I will say I'm a little concerned because it's been two weeks and I still weigh the same, but I'm trying to stay positive. This happens. Weight loss is not a straight-line trending downward, I have to remember that. That is why I'm making this short but sweet post today. I needed to be reminder I've come so very far from where I have started, so a few weeks of no pound droppage is normal and fine. 

Jumping Through Hoops, Good Exercise

 I know, it isn't Sunday but I have some time off so I'm doing a blog post today. I missed last week because I didn't feel like it. I have been having a difficult time with my mental health. My doctor and I have been working with different medications, and things have been all over the place. I have been going through tests after tests, and honestly I didn't feel like using my one day off to write anything.

However; I am on some good medication now. It has improved my mood and things are going good. On top of that I'm on vacation, so lets get this started.

About two weeks ago at work we got the notice our annual enrollment was coming up for our benefits in 2025. It happens the beginning of ever November. They send out the announcement along with a list of things changing, or updating. All that good stuff. It's all put together in a nice packet that is easy to follow along with. They even have access to the current years information so it's easy to compare, because lets face it. Figuring our medical benefits is TOUGHT!!!

It's like an alien language you barely understand. So when they break it down for you in nice little graphs and charts, it makes coming to a decision a lot easier. Now, I'm not here to talk about what I choose for benefits. That's private. What I am here to talk about is one piece of information that was really hard not to take offense to.

Starting Jan. 1st 2025, everyone that takes GLP-1 medication for "weight loss" must be enrolled in Virta.

Virta? What the hell is Virta?

Was my first thought, my second was, why? I already see a weight lost specialist, isn't that enough?

Anyways, I go to the Virta website and start doing my homework. As I read more and more about Virta Weight Lost Management I get more and more pissed off. When you get right down to it they are a program that believes in mainly reversing type 2 diabetes through diet not medication. In fact they have a NO medication stance. Their whole goal is to get you off your medication. 

Right away panic sets in. My moods were already bad from my other meds and now this? Oh hell no!

I couldn't deal, and I lost my cool. I started writing angry letters to HR, and these Virta people. I started reading horror stories about them and their program. All I could think about was "I knew this was going to happen." and two "they are trying to take my medication." I was losing my shit!

I did do one smart thing through all this panic, and I signed up for enrollment in Virta. Which turns out was a good thing because now there is a waiting list to get in that stretches into next year. And as my benefits package says, "Only GLP-1 medication prescribed by Virta will be covered" this is a very good thing. I actually have my enrollment meeting next week so I will let you know how it goes.

Now, am I happy about this? Hell no.

This is a hoop I have to jump through to get what I need to loss weight. They want me to try diet, which is basically the Keto diet. Diet does not work for me. Yeah I always end up losing something weight, about 15 pounds, but then it stops and I gain it all back. 

Zepbound is the first thing I have ever tried that has really helped me. 

Now, I get it. They want to weed out the people that are on this medicine for vanity. People that don't take it seriously. I get that, but then the rest of us have to suffer. Now here is the part I am extremely pissed about. 

Anyone taking a GLP-1 (ozpemic, zepbound, ect.) who has type 2 diabetes does not need to enroll in the Virta program. ONLY people that are considered Obese. 

Why the discrimination? 

Obesity is a medical problem. I have a hormonal imbalance that causes me to gain and retain weight. I can eat all the right things, workout and everything and still not lose. How is this not a medical problem like type 2 diabetes? In fact if I don't lose weight I will end up with type 2 diabetes, and then what? I guess my meds will be covered without question. However, this is preventative care, when you really think about it. So why is some preventative care covered and others not?

Well, you see obesity has not been officially labeled as a disease. In fact it's only considered a health problem. Not an actual disease. Because of that coverage for weight loss medication is considered and elective. I'm actually very lucky that my work is still going to cover my zepbound, even through I have to go through this stupid program. 

So while I am pissed, annoyed, and I am not going to have a fun time with this Virta program. I am still covered. My company is one of the good ones, are they great. No, they have their flaws (Virta), but they are trying. 

Now if you work for a company and your insurance doesn't cover GLP-1 medication for weight loss try this organization. They will help you push your company to cover the medication. Let's work together to get obesity labeled correctly.  

OAC

It's Been A Long Week!!

 This post is going to be short because really it's beautiful out and I want to enjoy my day instead of inside writing a bunch of stuff. With that let's get started!

I didn't post last week because honestly, even though I lost two pounds, I wasn't feeling up to it. The week before my anxiety was a little high. There was a lot going on at work and home, and with my house. So my doctor started me on a new medication to help. Well it didn't help.

Honestly, it was the worst. 

At first I thought it was my hormones because the week before my hormones sparked alive for the first time since I started treatment for my PCOS. I take medication to limited my hormones activity to help the symptoms, plus my weight made it so I don't get periods anymore. Well, I have lost close to 50 pounds and my body is starting to heal itself. Meaning my periods are back. 

Yay. . .NOT!!

Believe me, I'm not happy about it. It's a double edged sword really. Plus I haven't dealt with hormones in seven years so I figured my mood last weekend was caused by that. I was rather depressed, tired, and in general worn out. So no post, in fact I didn't do much of anything.

Come Monday morning I knew something was really wrong. Not only did I wake up depressed, but it was a depth of depression I haven't had since 2018. IT WAS BAD!!!

I spent the fifteen minutes before everyone arrived at work crying. Not like silent tears down the cheeks, crying. But full on sobbing. And for the first time since 2018 I thought about harming myself. I was in a very dark place. On top of that I was dizzy, my brain function felt very off, and I honestly don't remember much from Monday at work. Everything is very very hazy. On top of that I felt so guilty for making everyone worry about me

Because, as I found out, my friends at work were very worried. And I get it. I wasn't acting myself and honestly I was afraid for myself as well. However, not to worry. I have a wonderful husband and amazing friends that were my support through everything, and I got through fine. 

I had put in a call to my doctor about my new medication because that was the only thing that changed. I had nothing that would have triggered me or anything. She didn't get back to me right away but I wrote her an email stating I was not going to take the medication anymore. I am very thankful I didn't.

By late Monday night my depression was improving. Tuesday I woke up mentally I was good. Far better than I was the day before, but I could feel. I had been through something major. So I took the day off to recover. I mostly slept, did some chores around the house, and by the afternoon I was back to my old self. I was cooking a big pot of chili for dinner. 

I was so damn thankful for it just being the medication. By that time my doctor had gotten back to me and was really worried. She really thought the Zepbound was effecting me, but I explained to her that everything was good once I stopped the new medication. 

Now I did have some side effects of going off the meds. Like a random headache for a few days afterword, but it wasn't bad. The thoughts about hurting myself were gone, expect I had this phantom feeling of a hair on the right side of my nose. It was annoying for about a day but then it was gone.

The next day I woke up with a sore nose. The side of my nose where it felt like the hair was had turned red and there was a little sore on it. I was like, what the hell is going on?

I went to work thinking I just rubbed it in my sleep too much. However; when I got to the road at my work I turned my head to the right to watch traffic and my lymph node along my jaw was completely swollen. 

Okay, what the actual hell? 

I just got over this depression thing and now this? 

As the day went on the redness got worse and so did the feeling of it being chapped. Also my lymph nodes along my neck swelled. I thought it was something with my sinuses because I have chronic ear infections and sinus problems. 

That night I took a hot shower, and made it so the warm water ran down my swollen lymph nodes. It really seemed to help. It felt amazing, and I woke up the next morning and my neck nodes felt fine. BUT my nose was worse, the whole right side of my face itched, and the node along my jaw was HUGE! Not only that but the one under my chin was now swollen.

So that is where I am at today. My face isn't as itchy, but my nose is still a dry mess. It hasn't gotten any worse or better really, my lymph nodes are still swollen and my doctor wants to see me for an appointment tomorrow. Yay!

In generally I fell apart this week, and it feels like I can get a leg up on anything at this point.

BUT. . .

I did lose two more pounds!!!! So I am down to 262.8 lbs.!!! That is only 82 lbs. away from my goal!

I will take it. It's all about the little wins!

Zepbound, Not All Roses

 So, lets talk about side effects of taking Zepbound, but first I want to say I'm sorry I disappeared for a few weeks. One, I was on vacation and very busy. Second, well I will explain in this post later on. 

Onward!

As with any medication there are side effects of taking Zepbound. Some are serious, but when I went for my first doctor's visit my doctor explained to me what I could be facing. Honestly, the side effects, even the extreme ones, out weighed the effects of being over 300 lbs. I also have PCOS (more on that later), which puts me at risk of a lot of health problems, some of which I already suffer from. By losing weight I can decrease these risk factors. So that day I took my first shot of Zepbound in the office, and off we went!

I started like all people on the lowest dose, which is 2.5mg. That night my hunger decreased greatly. I could only eat half of what I normally would eat. The next day my appetite was even worse. I could hardly eat and I wasn't hungry. It was a really quick change, and it left my head spinning. Like, HOW? It was insane how fast it worked and I was happy.

Two weeks later I took my shot and right after the worst case of diarrhea hit me. I'm talking pure liquid, and it didn't stop! Like right when I thought there was nothing left, nope it kept coming. So I started taking some over the counter meds. Cleared it. In fact I would take a full dose of pink-stuff and I was good for about two days. Then I would check to see if the liquid would come back. If it did I took another full dose of pink-stuff. 

This lasted for about two solid weeks, and in that time I hardly lost weight. Again, my mental negative Nancy kicked in and told me the shot wasn't worth it, but my husband supported me. He also encouraged me to wait it out. Because, honestly, this was my last option. If I gave up on this my mental health would not bounce back. 

I waited it out and slowly the runs went away and once my body got used to the Zepbound I was fine. There were also what they call, sulfur burps. I call them Demon Belches! Mainly because it feels like this gas from the inner depths of your gut come bubbling up. They are not bad, mostly annoying and they vanish within a few days of taking a shot. After about three weeks they go away completely. 

Now, I was on the 2.5mg for about two months because of the supply shortage, and I didn't lose much weight. Which really deflated me. I really thought Zepbound wasn't going to work for me. However; thanks to the wonderful ladies I work with, who are also taking Zepbound, and my husband I stayed the course. They really got me through all my doubts. 

Finally, I was able to move up to the 5 mgs,  and the back pain started. I'm used to back pain, I am over weight after all but this was bad upper back pain. It would go away when I laid down and it wasn't too bad in the morning. However, throughout the day it would get really bad and uncomfortable. This is where I am very very lucky to have people around me that have been through this journey. My friend at work kept telling me it was acid reflux. I'm like, "No way!" I don't feel acidy or heartburn or anything like that. After of a few days of back pain I would try anything. 

I started a course of anti-acid which I got over the counter. Within 24 hours I was feeling so much better. I did the anti-acid for 14 days like the program said to at the pharmacy, and after that I added an acid reducer to my daily pile intake. Now, I'm fine. The only other side effect of the 5mg was the demon belches, and after three weeks they were completely gone. Also my appetite really decreased. Sometimes I didn't want to eat.

YOU HAVE TO EAT!!!

I can't stress this enough. Skipping meals will only lead to malnutrition, and make your health worse. Even if you don't feel like eating, eat something. A little bit of cheese or half an apple. Chicken, anything!

I finished my 5mg went up to 7.5mg after a month. The only side effect I had was the demon belches, and again, after three weeks they went away. I really started losing weight then. 

I was on a roll and ready to jump up to 10 mg. . . That is where the big problems started.

The first week on the 10mg I started having, what I call, trauma dreams. They are not really nightmare's in the traditional sense, but they are not pleasant and they put me in a foul mood. After of a week of that fun my emotional state started to change. 

I have a generalize anxiety disorder that measures off the charts, major depression, another type of depression I can't remember what it is a called, and PTSD. And Zepbound was rendering my anxiety medicine ineffective. 

It started with thinking everyone at work hated me. That my boss was always upset at me, and that my friends were just tolerating me, and actually found me annoying. Then started the racing thoughts, and for over a week I was not in a very fun place. 

I contacted my doctor right away. I'm very aware of my moods and mental struggles, I like to nip it in the butt before it can get to a dangerous place. I have been suicidal in the past, and I don't ever want to let things go to that place again. And it's very important to keep your doctor in the loop about this stuff, especially when changing medications or increasing doses. They need to know what is going on with you.

Now, I also had the added benefit of this happening to my friend at work, so she really thought it was the Zepbound. My doctor got back to me right away, and we set up a telehealth call. I told her what was going on with me, how much I was spinning out of control, and my belief it was the Zepbound. Right away we put a plan into place. She put in a script to go back down to the 7.5 mg, and if that didn't work we had other meds ready and waiting for me. 

See, when you take your shot (once a week) the first few days the drug is really strong. You can feel the effects, but as the week goes on you can feels them lessen as well. When it started getting close to my next shot (which I was going down to the 7.5 mg) my mood started improving. The day after I took the lower dose I felt amazing!

I was back to my old self with a few days, and I was so damn happy to be my old self. 

Now I will say that I really haven't lost any weight the last two weeks. I'm still at 266.8 lbs. But that's okay. You don't lose pounds every week, and there is another reason for my lack of weight loss.

See, in 2017 I was diagnosed with PCOS ( Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome). I had started bleeding very shortly after one of my periods and didn't stop for three months. After months of testing the result was PCOS. Which is a hormone imbalance is the simplest way of putting it. My body makes too much testosterone. There is a lot of side effects associated with PCOS, one of which is irregular or painful periods, and weight gain. Because of this I was put on Provera and a testosterone blocker. I have since gone off the blocker because it was hurting my kidneys, but I'm still on the Provera and I haven't had a period in SEVEN years!!

I'm a happy bitch, trust me.

However; I have lost a good 41 lbs and my body is responding to that.  I can't be a 100% sure, but I know I ovulated last week because my hormones' were all over the place. I HATED IT!!!

While I'm not happy about it this is a good sign. It means my body is healing from all the damage PCOS has done to it, and it's all thanks to Zepbound. With my hormones all over the place and the standard bloating that comes with that, I'm not surprised I didn't lose anything last week. So I'm not worried about it, because it's a good, bitter-sweet, sign.

I hope this helps those that on the fence about taking Zepbound. I realize side effects are different for everyone, and these are just my experiences with it. There is still more to come though guys. I will have to go up to 10 mg at some point and my doctor and I are working on a plan for that.