From The Start

 I struggled with where to begin this details of my journey. Should I begin when I started taking Zepbound? Or before that? I settled on the beginning of the year. That's a reasonable place to begin, but really my struggles with weight started the summer before 4th grade. I would have been nine years old, the year 1994. Probably the worst year of my life. While the summer was fun because I spent it with my Nana eating only Burger King, spice beef jerky, soda, and ice cream all summer. Oh, and seeing the Lion King, I gained about 60 lbs. that summer. During my trip visiting my Nana alone in California, Danielle (my mother) and her husband plus my younger brother and sister were making the move to a new home. 

This new home was in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania, somewhere I was not used to. I came home to a new house, a new room, new school and none of my old clothes fit. On top of that I developed heartburn from the sudden switch in my diet from 100% fast-food to home cooking. I struggled with pain in my right knee, and also had to suffer the wrath and criticism of my stepfather.

When I started school a few weeks later that had changed too. I was no longer the popular little darling in the school. I was the new fat kid. A drastic change for me. I was called names, had nearly no friends, and when I cried to Danielle about it her response was "they are jealous of you. Ignore them." Needless to say none of that worked. Between home-life and school-life things were awful and they were so bad I hardly remember that whole year. 

Sadly there are two things I do remember form that year, and that was shortly after turning 10 I first thought of suicide, and I reach my first 100 lbs. I remember being at the doctors and them reading my weight as 101 lbs. I was shocked and felt so ashamed. Danielle made a joke about it, but I wasn't laughing.

Most people's advice for this time in my life and my weight was that I would grow out of it. I was thin out, get taller. Well needless to say that never happened. I'm still short and fat. I lost track of my weight for nearly all of high school. I simply didn't want to know, however; with my first job came an unusual side effect.

between the ages of 19-21 I dropped down to 195 lbs. Thinnest I had ever been. I was also working as a dishwasher, lugging heavy dishes, glass racks, bus tubs, and not eating but once a day. For those of us that worked there we called it the "Crack-bar Diet" I lived off of vault and surge, while sleeping 4 hours a nice and working 12 hour days. I might have been thinner but I was not healthy in the least.

Once I got older I got a different job. One that required a lot less physical labor. I ended up gaining weight, big shocker there. In all this time though I did go back and forth between didn't diets. I tried jazzercize, a dancing workout, eating more fruits and vegetables, the Akins diet, the South Beach Diet, a juice Diet, HCG Diet. Generally trying to eat better and workout, self-help books, Biggest Losers, and so many more. 

None of which I have ever been able to stick with. Some I lost a little weight but never anything major or noteworthy. Now my husband says I stop before any real progress can happen, and I agree. But you have to understand not only my physical problems but my mental ones as well. 

When living at home, every time I tried to lose weight or started a diet, or started working out Danielle would star the negative talk. She would either eat all the healthy stuff I bought myself or start making excess of brownies, cookies, fried egg sandwiches especially for me in the morning before college filled with Mayo. If I said anything about not eating it, or trying to eat better she would lose her shit. Then she would start bring me down with comments such as, "why are you so vain? Real women are comfortable in their body. You're ungrateful for what you have."

Because of this form of abuse when I left her home that mental struggle was still there for me. I would tell myself it wasn't working, I would always be fat, it was no use. Things like that, and I would give up way too early.

I was stuck! Floating around in this cycle of diet on, diet off. 

In 2017 I found out I had PCOS, after a series of awful tests, excessive bleeding, and facing many of my medical fears. I started to do research on PCOS and found out that one of the things women with PCOS struggle with is their weight. It's a hormone thing. For about a month I worked out, I ate better, I was focused on battling this thing. I was not going to let PCOS define me. 

Then came the crash, and I crashed hard!

I got so pissed off at my body for making my life so damn difficult. Why was all this happening to me? It wasn't fair. Why couldn't I get a damn break in life? It was bad enough I had all these mental health issues thanks to my mother and her husband. I didn't ask for any of this, so why was I suffering? 

I stayed in this state for years. I ate whatever the hell I wanted. Didn't matter to me that I was on pills for my fatty blood or that my cholesterol was high. I didn't give a shit. I was done.

Then I started at my current job. My boss would tell me how she was losing weight and she went through her doctor and I thought she was full of shit. I'm just being honest. I secretly rolled my eyes and thought to myself, "that will never work for me." 

Next two years I just did whatever the hell I wanted. Ignored my boss and her good mood about losing weight, and then my other co-workers trying to lose weight. That wasn't me. I was happy having no eating restrictions, and I ate fast-food every damn day. Sometimes two or three times. I was taking in an insane amount of calories.

Then last year hit, and I went to my annual health check up. My bloodwork was fine, aside from the usual. My hormones were fine. Everything was just fine. Regardless I asked my doctor about my weight. I was nearly 320 lbs. I was starting to get worried about my health. Diabetes runs in my family. My Nana had it, my grandmother, and my mom. This wasn't something I wanted on top of everything else. Plus my boss went through her doctor of weight loss. Why not say something?

My doctor stated she was not worried about my weight. .  .

Seriously?!

I'm 318 lbs. and you are not worried? I'm worried!

She went on to tell me that if I made small changes in my life I would drop the weight no problem. Like switching from a large coffee to a medium, eating healthy snacks, etc. Okay, so maybe this weight loosing thing isn't as hard as I thought. I trusted my doctor and what she said, and generally when I tried in the past I would go all in. Head deep into whatever craze there was. So I was ready to try these small steps.

Didn't work. I lost nothing. Not even a pound. I'm like okay, not all hope is lost here. My doctor might not be worried about my weight, but I am going to do something!

Screw these small changes thing, and in February 2024 I started Nutria System.  

I would highly NOT recommend this diet. The food is awful. I was always hungry, and it is pricey. I stopped after two weeks. 

But did it work?

Yes, I lost 15 lbs. ish. But canceling was a pain and it costs me a cancelation fee of $125. Lesson learned.

After my latest failure I went off the rails again. It was like finding out I had PCOS all over again, only worse. Now I had the money and means to eat whatever the hell I wanted, as much as I wanted. So I did. I was back to eating fast-food at every turn. binging was my thing. I act until I was be sick all night, and have awful heartburn when I slept. 

Along the way some changes happened at work too. We got some new co-workers, who were also on the medication my boss had been on, and they had a lot of success. The more my co-worker talked about her journey with weight loss the more I wanted to get in on this. The more I started to think, maybe all hope wasn't lost. Maybe...just maybe this could work for me. 

Then another co-worker decided to head to the same doctor and talk about weight loss. I wasn't going to be the only one left out. I made my appointment that day with this doctor of theirs. 

Hey, if my doctor wasn't going to listen to me or take my concerns to heart. Then I was going to go with someone that did.

April of 2024, I went to this new doctor for both weight loss and to take over my primary care. We talked for an hour. I expressed my concerns. Updated her on my medical records. Told her about my struggles with weight loss, and I started my first dose of Zepbound that day.

Let me tell you guys, it WORKS!!!

I went home that night, made dinner and could only stomach half of what I normally eat. I have been on the Zepbound shot for nearly five months and I have lost almost 40 lbs. That's the most weight, since the "Crack-bar" diet I have ever lost.

Are there side effects?

Yes.

Have I struggled?

Yes.

Does my mental health still effect me?

Yes. 

But that is all to come later. Until next time!