I really should update everyone on how things have been. The last three weeks have been a struggle, but instead of that I want to share something positive right now.
First off I am down from 269.4 lbs. to 266.8 lbs!
Woot, Woot!!
That is the good stuff right there, but even more than the numbers on a scale there are things that have happened over the years that have taken my steam away, and have given me back motivation. That is what I wanted to share today. However; to share these things there are some other things I have to talk about. Mainly, the bad. So strap in!
When you are overweight, which I have been since the age of 9, you adjust your life to what your weight limits you to. Things like never being able to wear cute little tops without a bra, or running a mile without panting, standing on makeshift ladders or stools, walking up an excessive amount of stairs. You simply learn to avoid these things. After awhile you don't see them as restrictions, but a way of life. They become your norm.
I had accepted these limitations in my life, but what I wasn't ready for was how my weight was going to limit me even more throughout the years. Back in October of 2012 I left my job to try my hand at being a full time author/artist. In reality I couldn't take the stress of working anymore. I was at my limit, actually I was beyond my limit. Somethings happened that year in my family that took me to a very dark place, and in October I had a massive breakdown. It wasn't anyone thing that did it, it was a build-up of a lifetime of abuse, neglect, etc. My mind had simply had enough.
It was not a pretty sight but from there I slowly built my way back. For ten years I struggled to be an author/freelance artist, and I became very sedentary. I would sit 10+ hours a day. As a result my health took a nose dive, and my weight shot up. Slowly things that I had taken for granted. . . Things that I had always been able to do started to become a problem for me.
First, it was the basement steps. They are the only steps in our house and I couldn't walk up or down them without getting winded. It got so bad I would be wheezing by the time I reached that top, and there are not many stairs. I never had a problem with them before, I helped my husband move a solid wood futon down the same steps without a problem years before. I quickly started to avoid the basement, to the point my husband had to go down every week to start he laundry, and switch the laundry, and bring the laundry up. The most I could do was sit on the bed and help fold.
Over time my avoidance of the basement has become kind of a joke in the house. It still makes me feel awful though. I don't want to avoid a whole part of my house because it hurts to get to it, but that was the sad truth.
The next freedom I lost was the ability to put on a bra. I have worn a bra since I was eleven years old. I have always had the kind that hook in the back. I'm not a fan of putting the bra on backwards, hooking it, then shifting it around the right way. I like to put it on, reach back and hook it blind. I have always done this, I'm a master at it. Well, with being at home all the time I stop wearing bras a lot of the time, but one day when I did finally put one on I struggled to get it hooked. I thought it was because I had just gotten out of the shower and my body was sticky. So my husband helped me. I didn't think much about it till that night when I tried to take my bra off. I reached back, and couldn't get it unhooked. My arms would not strong enough, not flexible enough for me to do it. I started to panic. Being the good husband James is, he helped me out of my bra, told me not to worry I was simply tired.
That wasn't the case. I had lost the ability to put on a bra. That really hit me hard. How could I have let it get this bad? But there was more still to come.
As time went on I found it hard to do dishes (we do not have a dishwasher). I would like the sink fill up because I couldn't bare to stand at the kitchen sink and wash dishes. My back would hurt, my stomach rubbed against the counter and put holes in my shirts. I would get covered in water from my belly overhanging into the sink. I couldn't do more than five minutes at a time. It was a painful process. I hid that from my husband. I didn't want to feel the shame of admitting this was now difficult for me. I wasn't going to give in to this one. So I suffered through doing dishes as much as I could.
Next came my struggles in the shower. I take fast showers anyways, but I started cutting my showers really short. Because I would get through washing my hair and I would be winded! It hurt to stand in the shower, and it was a chore to wash my body. By the time I was done with a shower I couldn't even bring myself to dry off. I would simply wrap a towel around me and head in to the bedroom to lay on the bed. I would let the air dry me, now in the summer that is a treat. In the winter, not so much, but there was nothing else I could do. I was exhausted, and with that realization came the shame and wondering. How much longer was I going to be able to clean myself? I didn't want that question answered.
Finally, the big blow. The thing that hurt me the most.
I was driving home from one of the random trips out of the house for fast food. I got my meal in the drive through, because I was always too embarrassed to go inside. Was driving off, went to turn and the wheel got stuck on my gut. I couldn't turn. No matter how much I sucked in my stomach it wasn't enough. I had to put my car in park and push my seat back just to get home safely.
I drove home holding back tears, eating french-fries, and feeling awful about myself. I arrived home, ate my fast-food lunch and then cried and shamed myself for eat it. Plus being a fat-ass. How much longer did I have before I wasn't going to be able to drive my car?
That was the sad reality I faced. My weight and health had gotten to a point where day to day life was difficult. Add on my depression and anxiety and days seemed impossible. All I could do was sleep, eat, and sit.
But, that story doesn't end there.
Fast-forward to 2022, I got a job out of the house. Which helped with my depression, I became more active but I still struggled with a lot of the things from above. Now, I started Zepbound in April and I have gained some amazing things since then.
Three weeks ago on Sunday, when we do our laundry for the week. My husband found himself at our neighbors putting together a bed. I was alone and the dryer buzzer. Now normally I would have left it for him, but I felt bad. He was over there working and I was doing nothing. Knowing it was going to be a struggle I went downstairs, loaded up the laundry basket with clean cloths, and headed up the steps.
I was fine!
I didn't get winded, I wasn't wheezing even though I was carrying all this laundry. It wasn't even a struggle. I was able to go up the stairs with minor problems (I have cats, they are always under foot), go into the bed and fold laundry all by myself. That felt awesome to be able to do that.
I have also noted I no longer feel tired while taking a shower. Even though I shower at night right before bed, and a lot of days I work 8 hours. Even after my longest day I don't feel overwhelmed by taking a shower. I can clean myself no problem, and I am actually back to enjoying a shower. Another Win!!!
Now last week I ordered new bras because mine are getting too small. I have been wearing front clasp bras since I started struggling putting on my old ones. I ordered new bras, not even thinking about how they hook. I was a little down when the new ones came and they hook in the back, but I figured I would give it a try. I was able to hook my own bra in the back. Not only that I was able to put it on the tightest setting!!!!
I would like to continue this by saying dishes are not a problem for me. Lets be honest. No one likes washing dishes, least of all me. But I will say I no longer have pain while washing dishes, and I rarely let them go too long before washing them. Do I enjoy doing it, no. But I'm happy it's not painful any longer.
And here we are, at the end of this story. I know you guys already know what I am going to say, but here is the story anyways.
My husband and I went out to eat Saturday after I got off work. Now, I noticed this the other day, but I wanted to share with him. I told him, look! There was so much space between my stomach and the steering wheel. I will probably not move my seat back up because I did tend to drive right on top of my wheel, and I am comfortable where my seat is now, but there is a whole fist worth of room between me and the wheel. Before, even with moving my seat back, my stomach still touched the wheel.
This is HUGE!!!!
I'm slowly getting parts of my life back I thought were gone forever! Honestly, I had accepted my fate that I was just going to be a fat thing that couldn't function, and when I started on Zepbound I honestly didn't think it would work for me. I have been pleasantly surprised since then.
I'm floored by how much of my life I have gotten back, and I really look forward to what else could come of this weight loss. I'm down 41 lbs. so far. It's been a struggle, I will say that, but it's worth it. Even with these small wins that mean so damn much to me.
So when you gain a little piece of yourself back, celebrate that. It's a big deal, no matter how small the piece is. Celebrate the hell out of it!
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